December 31st, 2008.....

Crazy isnt it? A whole year has come and gone..... For some odd reason, I woke up this morning bright and early while the kids still sleep sound in their beds. I have this strange sense of anxiety already today. I feel like I want to GET IT DONE! Put the last few touches and peices together on the year and wake up tomorrow morning feeling fresh and new! Looking back in past years, we seem to be having a track record with most of our "better years" falling in the odd numbers.....with a couple of exceptions......but the big picture shows that those years tend to be a little easier on us than the even ones!

This year has been tough. 2008 has definitely brought us many many challenges, but we pulled through, we seem to always find a way to do so. As I am sitting here in my kitchen, drinking my coffee in peace and quite ( that in itself doesnt happen very often ), I am finding myself very emotional.....actually fighting back tears from strolling down my face. I'm not really sure why I am having such strong emotions right now.....but it feels good. It's like I am letting go.....I mean REALLY letting go of this year. Tighten the lids, zip the files, fasten the clips....it's over.

A couple of days ago, I was feeling a little stressed....money has been tight the last couple of weeks due to the holidays.....my overspending on Xmas and slow time of my business, not a good mix. But really, tight??? NO! Just a little below where I like my comfort zone to sit. Anyways, as I was having this ridiculous pity party for myself, if you are a mom you know the one I am talking about.....you kind of sit in your "corner" and wonder where you went wrong in every aspect of your mothering, being a wife, being a woman.....it was quite pathetic for the few short minutes that it lasted. It ended abruptly, I was browsing the interent and happened to come across a headline on the Kare11 news website " Amy Taylor loses battle with Breast Cancer". I instantly choked up before reading on. This was a story that I had viewed on Kare11 extra earlier in the year and remember watching it with such hope, admiration and blessings for this woman and her family. Amy was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was pregnant with their 2nd child. During her battle she decided to video tape messages for her children's most imprtant days to come. Sort of a "just in case"..... Her daughters first date, her sons 16th birthday, the day they would graduate, marry, become parents. When you watch the strength that she presented through these video clips it was truly as if she was being taken over by this immense power....how can one have such beauty and grace during such a difficult time? Amy lost her battle on December 27 and seeing that headline just really touched me in a way that I know only god has control over. So maybe my bank account isnt where I would like it to be? Maybe I am pulling every single hair out of my head trying to find a way to reason with a preteen girl? My house may not be spotless, and their may be laundry that has to get done, but I am here. I can hug and kiss my babies. I can wrap my arms around the man that I fall so deeply in love with over and over and over again. I can embrace the beauty of every single snowflake that falls from the sky. I can enjoy my favorite smells.....freshly brewed coffee, the rain, my kids hair....I am here.

With a new year of course brings new begininnings....I don't want one. The beginning of my story started 30 years ago, and every year is just a continuation of the "beautiful chaos". A fresh start because it is a new chapter sounds divine. What's my New Years resolution? I don't have one. Resolutions are like diets.....you start off so hard, so good at what it is that you want to do differently and by mid month.....POOF! It's gone. In 2009, it is all about lifestyle changes. In order to reach some of the goals I would like to acheive in this year, it has to be done......not a "diet" but a change.

Here are just a few.....

*Jessica is first ( After God )
I am a people pleaser.....enough said

*Stop
I would say to smell the roses but it just sounds so "cliche" It saddens me to think of all the amazing things that have passed me by because I am always in such a rush!

*Listen
I have never had a problem admitting when I am wrong, and here it goes again.....I am hard headed ( big shock I know ), so I really want to work on not only hearing what others are saying but truly LISTEN.....everyone from my children to the man at the grocery store.....again, you just might not know what you are missing out on.

*Commitment
Other then in my relationship with my husband, kids, family and friends.....I lack commitment in a major way! I have no commitment to myself.....and I have finally figured out why. I am totally and completely petrified of failing.....

*God/Prayer
It just has to happen.....I pray on some level every single day, but not enough or to the extent that it is deserved. I have cheated my children immensly on the opportunity to have a strong relationship with God only because I have not led by example or taught them how to believe and build that relationship. In order for any of my other life style changes to REALLY work, this is by far the most important.

So there it is! I think writing this entry was more for myself....it feels good to write/type it out.
Today is going to be great. We are putting the final touches on one more year. Tonight, Justin the kids and I will be celebrating the closing of this chapter at a hotel. I am sure there will be pictures and stories to come!

Happy New Year Everyone!
Cheers to a great 2008 and a beautiful 2009!

God Bless & Warm Regards,
~Jessica